GRATITUDE

Is life about measuring what we get and comparing it to what we give?

Glen's mother shook her head in frustration and disbelief. "Why will you not help me? Your father and I sacrificed everything to raise you. Do you want to see us out on the street? We are not asking for much, $27,000 is all we owe. They will sell the house next month if we do not give them at least a small deposit. After all we've done for you, I never thought you would be so ungrateful."

Glen sighed! "You see all this talk about being grateful, do not pass that by me. You are not going to burden me with any guilt. What you and Dad did was your duty. I do not owe you anything for that. I have children too and I will never make them feel indebted to me for anything I do as their father. I would hate to think that you raised me so that I would help you in your old age. And anyway, nobody told Dad to gamble away his money."

"I never said that you owe us anything," his mother countered. "Gratitude is not about owing anything or paying back anybody. It is not only about appreciating anything that you may have been given. It is about appreciating the person who gave it to you. It is about you being able to see their love and sacrifice for you as a good thing. If you do not, then chances are that you would not be inclined to do the same for that person or any other person for that matter. If you cannot see that we need your help now, and if you can't see that you should help us out, then when I say that you have no gratitude, I really mean that you are blind. I am so sorry for you. You curse yourself because you would not be able to appreciate anything that comes your way. You will have no taste for anything. You will not be able to enjoy beauty or love. Without gratitude you will be living spiritually in a desolate place. You may be financially well off now but unless you have a thankful heart you will always be poor."

The woman gazed at her son for a moment. Surrendering herself to her desperate situation, she still assured her son, "We might lose this house, but you know something? You might not be grateful for us or to us, but your father and I will still always be grateful and give thanks and praise for having you as our son."

Why are you always so self-righteous?" Glen countered. "It is Dad himself who always says that we should stand the consequences of our actions. I did not get you into this situation, he did, and he should get you out. Gratitude has nothing to do with it. Of course I am grateful for all that you did for me but I am not going to carry any guilt for my father and I am not going to give my money for someone else to squander. As far as I am concerned it is Dad who is ungrateful. If he could show me that he appreciates the money he gets, then I might consider helping out."

Does gratitude mean indebtedness?

What does gratitude mean: appreciation for a gift or the giver or both?

Is ingratitude a type of blindness? Is it an inability to appreciate one's blessings?

Can we ever "pay back" for a gift?

Should kindness be freely given and freely received without being measured?

Can anyone demand gratitude from another?

Is it natural to reciprocate the kindness we receive?

Is it wrong to be ungrateful for gifts or blessings received?

Do we appreciate the gift of life? Who do we thank for being alive? How do we show our appreciation?

How wrong is it not to recognize one's blessings?

How important is it to give thanks?

Is Glen ungrateful?

Is Glen's father ungrateful?

Should Glen give his mother the money she needs? Would this show his gratitude to his parents?

The renowned Dr. Razak is the son of a truly remarkable woman. Fanny as she was known was the daughter of an indentured Indian worker. She grew up on a sugar estate in Couva.

Typical of young Indian girls of that time, she was given in an arranged marriage at a very young age and had her first child at fifteen. For the next few years, they survived on subsistence farming and the little earnings her husband received as a cane cutter, but at twenty-three, life suddenly changed for Fanny. Her husband died suddenly, leaving her with three young children.

If life was difficult before it now seemed impossible. Yet, single-handedly this illiterate, desperately poor woman managed to carry her family on the little earnings made from modest candies and Indian delicacies which she sold at the street corner. Often, she would go for days without food when there was only enough for the children. For most women in her situation, just surviving from day to day would have been all they could hope for, but Fanny, who never learnt to read or write, was very aware of her disadvantage and was determined to ensure that her children got an education. It was quite providential that her last child got a full scholarship to study medicine after graduating from high school. Fanny was now beginning to go blind. Her last child, that scholar, was the renowned doctor.

He met his wife, a fellow student, in his final year of medical school. A year later they were married and moved into a lovely house in the suburb. For a long while Dr Razak wanted to have his mother live with them. There was certainly enough room in the house, and she needed to be looked after, but his wife never seemed comfortable with the idea. Finally, they did agree, and Fanny moved into a little room at the back of the house. Fanny's son and his wife had two different ideas about her role in the house. He wanted his mother to take things easy and be taken care of for a change, while his wife thought that as long as she was there she should make herself useful and earn her keep. To keep the peace between himself and his wife this husband decided to give in to his wife's wishes.

Fanny was grateful for the room and had no objection to working for her place. It was all she knew of life anyway. What made her uncomfortable, however, was the way she was excluded from any family social functions. Fanny may have been illiterate, but she could tell that she was something of an embarrassment to her daughter-in-law who saw her only as a common illiterate coolie. How she wished that her son could have the courage to insist that she be treated with respect instead of scorn.

Should Fanny be grateful to her daughter-in-law?

Should the daughter-in-law be grateful to Fanny for bringing up such a good husband for her?

Was Fanny concerned with being "paid back" when she was busy bringing up her children?

Do we learn anything about generosity by observing others who are good and generous?

Does ingratitude prevent us from learning how to be generous?

If a person is unmoved by goodness, kindness, or faithfulness, what does it say about that person?

Does Dr. Razak appreciate what his mother went through to raise him?

Does Dr. Razak owe his mother anything?

What sacrifices do you think your parents or guardian carry for your sake?

How do you show your appreciation?

Do your parents and teachers only do for you what is their duty?

A person who is doing his/her duty might do it grudgingly or with a tremendous amount of love.

What attitude do you have in doing your duties?

Should one be grateful to another who is just doing their duty?

Is it a parent's duty to give their children things such as: a vacation, presents on special occasions, special types of clothing or shoes, special foods or snacks, money to go out with friends?

Have you ever considered how many times parents, out of love, not duty, deny themselves things which they want or need, in order to facilitate their children?

Sam's wife would be up early every morning to prepare breakfast for the family and start her daily chores, but she often felt unappreciated and alone. What really broke her spirit was the treatment she felt Sam dealt her on her birthday. Apart from the cheap card and flowers, there was not much else. All she wanted that day was for him to take the evening off from work and go out to dinner as they had planned, but it seemed that she was not important enough for him to even remember the plan. From the next day Sam had to fix his own breakfast while his wife went on strike. Now Sam felt unappreciated. "If she appreciated all that I do to put food on the table and care for her she would never react like that," he thought. In his hurt Sam hit back at his wife by not giving his wife any money for the running of the home for the next week. "If she is not going to do her duty." he thought, "then why should I support her?"

Does hitting back at a loved one promote good relations?

What causes misunderstandings?

Does it matter who was right and who was wrong between Sam and his wife?

If no one is willing to apologize and stop trying to win a fight, what eventually happens to relationship?

A convicted murderer received a presidential pardon and was released from jail. The freed man, however, had a long outstanding vendetta for the man who gave evidence against him in his murder case. "Let go of your vendetta" a friend told him. "You were pardoned: can you not do the same for someone else?”

If the convict was in fact innocent of the crime, should he still be grateful for the pardon?

If he is grateful for being pardoned, does the convict have a duty to forgive others?

It may be a sign of generosity as suggested in the previous chapter but, is forgiving others also a sign of gratitude? Do you see a link between generosity and gratitude?

Does the convict have a duty to forego vengeance even if he was not pardoned himself?

If the convict forgave the person who gave evidence against him, does this mean that he has "paid back" his dues for being pardoned? Should he then feel free to exact vengeance on any other person who did him wrong?

Should gratitude be measured? Should it be measured against the favour received?

How does one value a gift? How does one assess the amount of love or goodwill accompanying the gift?

When we give, should we be grateful for being given a chance to give?

Who would be happier, one who appreciates his or her blessings or one who does not?

Every evening the cleaners would find a number of items like pens, pencils, and rulers on the classroom floors and every evening these would simply be put into the garbage bins. Kyle, a very resourceful student, saw this as a good opportunity to get some extra cash. Every evening he would collect the usable items misplaced or forgotten by others in the classrooms and sell these over at low prices to anyone in need of them. One day a student found Kyle with a special pen he had lost some time before. He pleaded with Kyle for the pen explaining that it was a gift from his father, but Kyle would not give it to him until he paid the money.

Should students be grateful to Kyle for identifying a need and providing a service for other students, even at a small cost to them?

Was Kyle's 'lost and found' business ethical?

Should Kyle refuse to give back any item to any student who would not pay the sum asked?

Would it be morally right for Kyle to dump all the items collected knowing that many of them would be wanted by their owners or other students?

Do people who find items lost by others have any right to these items? Do they have any obligation toward the people who lost them?

Two boys had a most delicious lunch one day. The only problem with the meal was that there was too little of it. Both boys were left wanting more. The first was upset that his appetite remained unsatisfied and left the table angry. The second was thankful for what he received and was happy to have tasted such a delightful meal.